Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

Son: Dad, it's cold here!
Dad: Go stand in the corner.
Son: Why???
Dad: It's 90 degrees there.

Two men walk into a bar.
One man says, "I'll have H2O."
The second man says, "I'll have H2O, too," and dies.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.
Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Charles Dickens: I'll have a gin martini.
Waiter: Olive or twist?

Interviewer to blonde actress: What kind of roles do you like?
Blonde actress: I like egg rolls and chicken rolls but sometimes I might eat veg rolls too.

Gentleman: How much is this sexy man poster?
Sales clerk: That's a mirror, sir.
Gentleman: Oh!!!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An Instagram.

Q: How do celebrities stay cool?
A: They have many fans!

A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty... but he had a great fall.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and said he had found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The kid said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You did what???"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

- I hear this new cemetry is very popular.
- Yeap! People are just dying to get in.

Somewhere in a chat.
- HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
- try pressing the Caps Lock key........
- fuck you........

- I went to the bank yesterday. I asked the banker to check my balance. And he... he pushed me!!!

Judge: Does the defendant realize he was driving a one-way street?
Defendant: I was driving only one way, your honour!
Judge: Didn't you see the arrows?
Defendant: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!

category: Short English jokes
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