Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something Arabs wear on their heads.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find! anelephant with one hand.

Q: What should I write against mother tongue?
A: Very long!

Q: Why were you writing the exam almost in the doorway?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

Customer: This coffee tastes like mud!
Waiter: Well, it was ground this morning.

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Wise men say, "Opportunity knock only once, but temptation lean on doorbell!"

Q: Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
A: Because it's too cold to do it out Tide.

Q: Where does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?

Peter: I think your sister's really spoiled!
Dan: No, she's not. That's just her perfume.

Cupid: What do you call Santa's helpers?
Comet: Elves?
Cupid: Nope. Subordinate Clauses.

London, Traffalgar Square, pigeons are everywhere.
A fine-looking old woman is scattering millet...
A young man, sitting on the bench, has been bored with the pigeons and shouting "Fuсk оff!" he tries to flush the birds from the place.
The fine-looking old woman:
- Yоung mаn, dо nоt usе suсh wоrds! Just sау "shоо, birds, shоо!" - аnd thеу will fuсk оff...

Finn and Huck were good friends. Huck died. No one was worried though. Everyone said, "Huck'll bury Finn."

Mailman: Pardon me, sir. Is this package for you? The name is smudged.
Guy: Must not be for me - my name is Smith.

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it?
Dick: Anna said she met US5 at a concert, but Anna lies.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

- Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- He was dead.
- Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
- Monkey see, monkey do.
- Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
- Peer pressure.

When I die, please bury me deep,
Bury my exrcise-books at my feet.
Tell the teacher I've gone to rest -
And won't be back for the English test.

category: Short English jokes
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