Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: What is it that we have in December that we don't have in any other month?
A: The letter D.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A1: The newspaper (read all over).
A2: A bashful zebra.
A3: A wounded nun.

Q: Tell me two things you can never eat for breakfast.
A: Lunch and dinner.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.

Q: What can you hold in your left hand that you can't hold in your right hand?
A: Your right elbow.

Q: Which travels faster - heat or cold?
A: Heat. You can catch cold.

Q: What is it you can never see, yet it is always before you?
A: The future.

Q: When was Adam created?
A: Just a little before eve.

Q: Who was the fastest runner in history?
A: Adam. He was first in the human race.

Newsitem: The police have been looking for a suspect with one eye.
Letter to editor: Wouldn't the police have a better chance of catching him if they used two eyes?

Newsflash: The police are looking for a man with one eye called Bernie.
Caller: What's the other eye called?

Newsflash: The police want a tall handsome man for assaulting women.
Caller: I'm interested. What does the job pay?

- What is the antonym for the word "question"?
- "Answer"!
- Nope, "Re: Question".

First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?
Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.

Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!

Mike: Call me a doctor!
Jane: Why, are you very sick?
Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!

Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?
Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.

-My fiance's birthday is next week and I want to give him a surprise.
-What would you suggest?
-Tell him your real age!

Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much work as you are!
Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he won't slow down!

category: Short English jokes
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