Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other: "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says: "No, it doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Jim: They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Ed: Why not?
Jim: They're long enough already!

Jim: My Uncle's got a wooden leg.
Ed: That's nothing. My Aunt has a wooden chest.

Q: What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A: The first kisses the misses. The second misses the kisses.

Have you heard about the new bestseller that's just out? It's called "The Cannibal's Daughter" and was written by Henrietta Mann. Or how about the new book, "How I Got Rich Quick," by Robin Banks?

Did you hear about the fat lady that went on a diet, eating only coconuts and bananas? She didn't lose much weight, but man, could she climb trees!

Teacher: Where did John Hancock sign the Declaration of Independence?
Jim: At the bottom.

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling?
A: Because it ran out of juice.

Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her head?
A: So that she could make up her mind!

A bum approached me on the street and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I haven't had a bite in weeks." So, I took pity on him - I bit him.

Q: Mr. Green is a butcher. He is six feet tall, wears a size 10 shoe and a size 40 suit. What does he weigh?
A: Meat.

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

The prospective buyer drove the used car back into the lot after taking it for a test drive. The smiling dealer greeted her as she got out of the car.
"This car," he said, "is a golden opportunity."
"Yes," she said. "I could hear it knocking during the whole drive."

Two weevils started life together. One was an immediate success; the other was a complete failure. Naturally, it became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those that can count, and those that can't.

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!".

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here."
The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same string who was just in here?"
The string answers "No, I'm a frayed knot."

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO shoud be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

Two lawyers went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two lawyers stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says "Why? I'm a fun guy."

category: Short English jokes
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