Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

- Bоу, I nееd sоmе оniоn.
- Sоrrу, mаm, wе dоn't hаvе оniоn аt thе mоmеnt.
- I dоn't саrе, I nееd sоmе оniоn.
- But mаm, wе dоn't hаvе оniоn in thе mаrkеt right nоw.
- Yоu dоn't undеrstаnd mе, I nееd sоmе оniоn.
- Wеll, mаm, lеt's сhесk уоur English. Ноw mаnу lеttеrs 'р' in thе wоrd 'аррlе'?
- Twо.
- Right, mаm. And hоw mаnу lеttеrs 't' in thе wоrd 'lеttеr'?
- Twо, of course.
- Right, mаm. And hоw mаnу 'fuck' in thе wоrd 'onion'?
- What the fuck?! Thеrе is no 'fuck' in 'onion'.
- Right, mаm. Thеrе is NO FUCKING ONION!!!

Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.

- Your roof must be leaking. Does it always leak?
- No, only when it rains.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

As the shoe said to the hat, "You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot".

If Rene, Kelly and Sara go out for lunch, they will call each other Rene, Kelly and Sara.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Mage: What should I give my girlfriend for unzipping?
Kevin: Ummm. Ten bucks?
Mage: No, I mean like, WinZip?

A group of children is playing outdoors.
"I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says, "and each one of us has his or her own father!"

- When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes disobey?
- Because they were adders.

Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.

- What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?
- The.

(from a speech in the House of Lords)
- I challenge my generous colleague, the noble Duke, to pay his high-minded attention on the remark that has been made, if I'm not mistaken, by the noble Duke. And if my generous colleague, the noble Duke thinks more thoroughly upon the subject then on his second thoughts the respectable and Right Worthy Duke will surely come to the consideration that his profound opinion is really incompatible with the elementary truth.

First fan: Did you hear about the wrestler whose nose ran and feet smelled?
Second fan: No, what was wrong with him?
First fan: He was built upside down!

Did you hear about the kid that was so ugly his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him?

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident? Now he's all right!

As the judge said to the dentist, "Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth, so help you?"

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.

I just stepped on a cornflake. Now I am officially a cereal killer.

category: Short English jokes
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