Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

Q: What do you call a sick eagle?
A: Illegal.

Q: What animal could Noah not trust?
A: Cheetah

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really???
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

- Have you ever seen camouflaged hamsters?
- No.
- Sneaky bastards...

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

A Scotsman on vacation in the USA paid his first visit to the zoo. Stopping by one of the cages he saw a man feeding a big animal.
"An' whut animal would tha' be?" he asked the keeper.
"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.
"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man... they must ha' rrrats like elephants over there!"

All rights reserved, all wrongs revenged.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt."
The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"
The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A man waits in line to Western Union office to exchange some money. A Japanese lady (JL) starts a quarell with a clerk.
JL: How come I got 200 hundred dollars for a thousand of yens yesterday but only 180 today?
C: Fluctuations, miss.
JL: Oh! Fuck you, white people, too!

Mother: How did you find school today?
Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.
The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.
Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.

"Name names!" the crusty editor insisted to his young reporters. "No story is complete without the names of everyone involved."
The newest member of his staff filed the following report on a local disaster:
"Three farms in our area were affected by the severe lightning storm that struck Thursday night. Henry Johnson reported a fire in his barn. Wilma Preston said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm. Fred Wilson reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Bessie, Gilda, and Plug.

A husband with little English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying 'she is unbearable'. Getting a blank stare, he tried, 'she is impregnable'. Then finally he figured he had it: 'she is inconceivable!'

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city lawfirm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Teacher: "How does Shakespeare make clear to us that Romeo is in love with the idea of being in love?
Student: Well, for openers, he named him Romeo.

category: Short English jokes
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