Jeer Joker: Jokes in English - короткие анекдоты и шутки на английском

Q: Why is television called a medium?
A: Because it is neither rare nor well done.



The North Englishmen and the South Englishmen have a love/hate relationship.
Southerners love themselves and northerners hate them for it.



Alice dies, aged 78, having attended church in Bolton every Sunday of her life.
Her husband, Joe, asks the stonemason for a headstone with the words: 'Lord, she was thine'.
The stonemason writes: 'Lord she was thin'.
Joe says: '"You've missed off the e, you'll have to do it again."
Weeks later Joe goes to see the stone on the grave, and it now reads: 'Ee Lord she was thin'.



A man goes to the doctor and says:
'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?'
The doctor replies:
'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'



One Londoner is walking along the Thames.
He sees someone else on the other side and he calls over:
"Orite mate. How de fack am oi ment to get to de other soide?"
The other one looks back at him, puzzled "What de fack are you torkin' abaat? Your'e on de other side."



A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.
The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.



Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end?
The English all went out and got drunk.
The Irish all went to church.
And the Scots had a closing down sale.



Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned.
He came to a bitter end!



Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?
He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.



What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry VIII and was going to marry him?
She said, that man's not worth losing your head over.



A British pub name - The Quiet Woman - a splendid example of an oxymoron.



An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.



category: Short English jokes
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