Jeer Joker: Английский юмор и ему сопутствующее

Scottish jokes - юмор по-шотландски


When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction.
Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.
"Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."
Gabriel took an appreciative sip.
"Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
"Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.



Did you hear about the last wish of the henpecked husband of a houseproud Edinburgh wife? He asked to have his ashes scattered on the carpet.



It was a terrible winter - three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadn't been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen. It was completely buried with snow - only the chimney was showing.
- McTavish, are you there?
- Wha's that?
- It's the Red Cross.
- Go away. I bought your flag last year!



Q: How do you recognize a left-handed Scotsman?
A: He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.



The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking. "Please don't speak to me," said the minister. "You're drunk."
"Drunk?" replied the Scot. "You're worse than me - you've got your collar on back to front."



A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
"I suppose it could always be worse," said the woman.
"Oh, aye, it could," agreed the Aberdonian. "I might have bought a return ticket."



An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
"You'll find," he said, "a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half-­breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds."
"Not surprisingly," shouted a Scot in the audience. "The squaws had to draw the line somewhere."



Did you hear about the two Scotsmen who were stopped by the police for being drunk and disorderly? It turned out that the first had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing fireworks.
One was charged and the other was let off.



An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions.
"Excuse me, dude, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?"
The farmer said: "You driving or walking, lad?"
The American replied: "Driving."
The farmer nodded, saying.
"Yup, definitely the quickest way."



Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky," Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"



A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a bar and had just started on a new round when a fly landed in each glass of beer.
The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife.
The Irishman blew his away in a cloud of froth.
The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass.
"Go on, spit it out, ye wee devil," he growled.



Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life.
Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.



David Cameron, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Edinburgh. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies.
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The Prime Minister, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.
The patient replies.
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows.
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."



McDougal bought two tickets for the lottery. He won five million pounds.
"How do you feel about your big win?" asked a newspaper reporter.
"Disappointed," said McDougal, "My other ticket didn't win anything!"




Нелепые происшествия, забавные казусы, ситуативные каламбуры и другие не очень унылые истории

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