Jeer Joker: Long English Jokes - длинные анекдоты и шутки на английском

A count who was the leader of a rebel movement was thrown into prison. The king confronted him and demanded to know the names of the other rebels. The count refused to reveal their identities - even under torture.
"Behead him!" the king ordered vehemently. The count was dragged to the place of execution.
"If you tell me the names I want, I will spare you," the king said.
Still the count shook his head and refused to talk.
As the count's head was positioned under the blade, the king warned, "This is your last chance!"
The rebel remained silent.
"Go ahead," the king ordered. The executioner made his move.
At that moment, the count's nerve broke. "Wait! Wait! I'll tell you..."
But it was too late. The ax had done its work.
Furious, the king turned to the executioner. "How often have I told you," he yelled, "not to hatchet your counts before they chicken?"

Once upon a time there was a snake named Nate who lived in the desert guarding a lever which, if pulled, would split the earth in two.
Then one hot summer day, a man was speeding down the highway in his car when Nate happened to be sunning himself on the usually deserted road just a few feet away from the lever.
The speeding man saw Nate and the lever at nearly the same time. Unable to swerve out of the way entirely, the driver had to make a decision as to which he would run over - Nate the snake or the lever that would cut the world in two.
Well, I'm sorry to say, Nate is no longer with us. But, if you're sad, just remember what that driver thought to himself at the last moment - better Nate than lever!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metaldoor and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent answered, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions - to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back.
Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again.
This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"

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