Jeer Joker: Long English Jokes - длинные анекдоты и шутки на английском

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.
In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'Wayside Church' near the house... a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster

The Woman fainted reading the reply... and she never visited India!!!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Ronnie replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow?"
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks are really good at sensitive stuff.

Jack and Jill were on their way home from the bar one night and Jack got pulled over by the police. The officer told Jack that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
Jack said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jill said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for Jack's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
Again Jack apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jill said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
By this time Jack is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jill, what a fuck?! Will you SHUT UP!!!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jill and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jill replied, "No, sir. Not always. Only when he's drunk."

You may never have realized it, but in the long run we have nothing to worry about.
Let me explain...
During the long, boring cycle of life, you only have two things of consequence to really worry about - being well or being sick.
If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about - getting better or getting worse.
If you get better, you have nothing to worry about. If you get worse, you have only two things to worry about - living or dying.
If you live, you have nothing to worry about. If you die, there are only two things you have to worry about - going to heaven or going to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with old friends that you'll have nothing to worry about.
So, you see, in the long run no one has anything to worry about!

A philosopher once had the following dream.
First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute sketch of your entire philosophy?"
To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes.
But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.
Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.
Then our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!"
With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.
The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written.
It was, "That's what you say."

Two brothers had terrorized a small town since childhood. When one brother died, the surviving brother offered the pastor an enormous sum of money if he would praise the deceased as a saint at his funeral. The pastor refused and mysteriously disappeared.
Two days later, a pastor from a nearby town showed up for the funeral, called by the local church to officiate. He too was cornered by the town thug. "Just tell everyone what a saint my brother was," he growled, "and you'll have more money than you know what to do with."
The pastor considered for a moment, then pocketed a wad of bills. The funeral was packed, since few dared to be absent, and the service proceeded in routine fashion until the pastor stood to deliver the eulogy.
"This man," the pastor said, gesturing toward the casket, "was a bully, a thief and a coward. But compared to his brother, he was a saint!"

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver, can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver.
How can you say 'no' to the Pope?
So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington - dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off.
Soon a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fivez year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fivz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

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