Jeer Joker: Long English Jokes - длинные анекдоты и шутки на английском

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."

The most accurate women's dictionary
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up!!!
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine".
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!!!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
6. That's OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's OK means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Fuck You!
9. Don't Worry About It, I Got It: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but now she is doing it herself.

True Facts About Men
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals - messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
17. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

I once met a man who said he was looking for the perfect wife. He told me that he needed to find someone who was beautiful, kind, loving, and very spiritually oriented. And yes, he had found such a women.
But it did not work out. He said she was so spiritual that she could not easily relate to the practical things in the material world.
Then he found someone who was perfect. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized and practical in material affairs. She was just what he was looking for.
But he said that also did not work out. Why? Because she was so practical that she really did not need him so much, and ended up being a bit of a nag, always telling him what he should do. So he still looked for the perfect woman.
Then he found the perfect wife. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized, practical in material affairs, as well as spiritually inclined. A perfect balance. No one could be better. She would make just what he was looking for - the perfect wife.
So I asked him if they got married. No.
Why not? Because she was looking for the perfect husband.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question...
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A guy visits his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks:
- My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers, please?
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking, he says:
- Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!
They stare at him and say:
- That can't be!
He replies:
- OK, let's check!
He shouts at his friend down the stairs:
- Both of them?
- Yes, both of them!

A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer.
The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favour for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes; each contains $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin!"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.
Sure enough, the Rich Man soon died.
At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.
As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I... I took $5,000 to buy it," and looked at his feet.
The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess that I took some money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it."
The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession.
Instead, he said "Oh no, I didn't take any of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!"

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