Jeer Joker: Long English Jokes - длинные анекдоты и шутки на английском

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
"Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off. As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have."
Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Anne.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucksout her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means 'four'," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means 'four'. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand: Today my best friend slapped me in the face.
They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: Today my best friend saved my life.
The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone, why?"
The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it. Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"
Passenger: " Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A man and his wife were driving through the Welsh countryside when they came across a road sign which read Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

The husband says the name and his wife laughs. "That's not how you pronounce it," she says and proceeds to say it herself. Her husband nearly crashes the car laughing, and they start debating how to pronounce the name.

Well the debate soon becomes an argument and coming up to lunch time they pull into a restaurant in the town whose name is the subject of the argument. As they're settling their bill, the wife says to the cashier, "Excuse me, but would you mind settling an argument between my husband and me? Could you possibly pronounce the name of where we are, only please do it very very slowly."

The cashier leans forward and says,
"Buuuuurrrrrrgggggeeeeeerrrrrr Kiiiiinnnnnggggg."

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."
St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"
"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

Two rich ladies were sharing a taxi and talking about the high cost of going anywhere by taxi. One of the ladies said, "Taxis are terribly expensive these days. The owners get a lot of money for nothing."
"Yes", said the other lady, "and the drivers get such big tips that they soon become rich. They ought to be ashamed of themselves."
One of the ladies was smoking a cigarette. After a minute or two she said to the other lady, "Can you see an ashtray in this taxi? There isn't one on my side."
"No", said the other, "there isn't one on this side either. Driver! Where is the ashtray in this taxi? Why haven't you got one?"
The driver, who had heard everything the ladies had said, answered, "Oh, just drop the ashes on the carpet - I have a servant who comes in and cleans three days a week!"

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