Jeer Joker: Irish jokes - юмор по-ирландски

Irish jokes - юмор по-ирландски

What is an Irishman? An Irishman is a man who?
May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.
Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.
Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies.
Sees things not as they are, but the way they never will be.
Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.
Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman.
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.
Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood.
Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.
Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.
Scorns money, but worships those who have it.
Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave. A customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, wondered.
- S'cuse me, what was that all about?
- Nothing, replied McQuillan, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other.
- Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?
Pat said.
- Well, I have and I haven't.
His friend asked.
- Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?
Pat said.
- It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another... it was neither of us.

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks.
- Master, you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like.
Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers.
- A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.
- Granted master, retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.
- Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?
- You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle. Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them.

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
Joey-Jim asked.
- What's wrong, Seamus?
- Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?
Joey-Jim replied with relief.
- Ah, praise the Almighty! I thought I'd gone deaf!

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.
- Poor Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die.
- Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?
- Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin but by my soul, Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled.
- Mick! I lost me finger!
- Have you now? And how did you do it?
- I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called.
- Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?
Sean replied,
- I'm not... the fish come here fer shelter.

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked.
- Have I got all ye say there?
The agent said.
- Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?
- Cancel the sale. 'tis too good to part with.

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Word to the wise: never get in line at the bank behind someone wearing a balaclava.

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