Jeer Joker: Английский юмор и ему сопутствующее

Irish jokes - юмор по-ирландски

What is an Irishman? An Irishman is a man who:
- May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.
- Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.
- Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies.
- Sees things not as they are, but the way they never will be.
- Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.
- Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman.
- Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.
- Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood.
- Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.
- Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.
- Scorns money, but worships those who have it.
- Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave. A customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, wondered.
- S'cuse me, what was that all about?
- Nothing, replied McQuillan, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other.
- Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?
Pat said.
- Well, I have and I haven't.
His friend asked.
- Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?
Pat said.
- It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another... it was neither of us.

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks.
- Master, you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like.
Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers.
- A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.
- Granted master, retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.
- Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?
- You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle. Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them.

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
Joey-Jim asked.
- What's wrong, Seamus?
- Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?
Joey-Jim replied with relief.
- Ah, praise the Almighty! I thought I'd gone deaf!

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.
- Poor Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die.
- Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?
- Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin but by my soul, Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled.
- Mick! I lost me finger!
- Have you now? And how did you do it?
- I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called.
- Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?
Sean replied,
- I'm not... the fish come here fer shelter.

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked.
- Have I got all ye say there?
The agent said.
- Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?
- Cancel the sale. 'tis too good to part with.

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Word to the wise: never get in line at the bank behind someone wearing a balaclava.

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two brothers at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?"
"Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"

Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad," asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.

А что вы скажете про шотландский юмор?

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