Jeer Joker: Английский юмор и ему сопутствующее

George Bush Jr. Fake Diary

Saturday, 19 July 08
Dear diary, I really hate this job... I'm thinking of quitting to so I can play pro baseball like I always dreamed of. I'm so tired of everyone hating me just cuz of this war thing! Today at lunch, Dick Cheney pushed me down and stole my sandwich again... he's such a friggin jerk! I called dad to tell on him but dad was out golfing and mom just tells me to stop being a sissy la la so I have no one to tell but you diary...

Monday, 16 June 08
Strange, he looks nothing like he did in Reservoir Dogs. I asked him how Paddington Bear was, but he told me that Mr Gruber was looking after him for 42 days. I did not want to press any further than I had done.
Mr Blair was nowhere around either, and nobody came into London to say hello to me. I thought it was most rude, not even Austen Powers was there, and he goes to the opening of envelopes these days.
I was told that later I would meet a load of old monkeys. I am looking forward to meeting Mickey Dolenz and Peter Tork, but I don't want to meet Mr Davey Jones. I don't like small people who talk in English. Queenie gives me the Heebee jeebies. I asked Laura what that meant. She said that they sang songs, but I thought that was just a load of Jive talkin', telling me lies.
I always felt tha...

Thursday, 5 June 08
Dear Dietary. Today has been another exciting daily day, I met the Queen of English for lurch and she was not amused. Heck, she didn't even laugh when I did my belly-dancing routine! My shrink came round the mountains for a little talk with me, and what a talk it wasn't! I had to ask Condi what he was talking about, and she just laughed and patted me on the head, like I was a child! I asks you, Dromedary, I really does. Shares in something or other was up, or down, or whatever - oh, and Condi is getting prettier every second, why can't she be Presider? Wel, ah's finishing this now, y'all, gotta get up early tomorrow to practise mah hick southern millionaire's accent, woohoo! Hot damn, cotton's high right now! Where's my teddy bear, Mom?

Tuesday, 6 May 08
That red button kept telling me to press it, so I did.
I anticipate that the world will end in roughly 12 hours. Don't say you were not warned. I have a space in a Shuttle, aimed for the Sun, so I will be fine.
I will leave the shattered remains of the earth to Barack and Hilary. They will rue the day they criticised me for only going to war with one country.
Now, where did I leave my trusted advisor, Jeff Goldblum. He always knows what to say and do in these types of situation. If he was not an actor, he could be President, but that has never happened in the White House before.

Wednesday, 9 April 08
Another Day has passed, and still the secrets remain covered, and the bodies buried. I wonder how much longer I can go on for, not everyone has realised what a buffoon I am.

Monday, 7 April 08
A good night's sleep last night.
Now I feel I can take on the world. The world is my lobster, and I am the claws............ Somebody said I was the Claws of the World's troubles. But they could have said Cause instead. Still, Mr Wiggles my Teddy Bear, and Francis my imaginary friend still believe in me, so that is alright with me.

Sunday, 6 April 08
Honestly, can no-one get any sleep around here these days? I may be President, but I still need my down-time, I have not played golf in months now, and my handi-cap is really begining to show.

Tuesday, 1 April 08
Condy Rice came in and said the Police were here to arrest me for War Crimes. She then burst out laughing, and said it was an April Fool's day Joke. Who is this April Fool, and why does she have a day all to herself?

Sunday, 30 March 08
It is soon April Fool's Day, I better have those plastic comedy read buttons and Nuclear warheads by then, or there will be war. Another one, obviously.........

Sunday, 23 March 08
Easter Sunday tomorrow, I know that someone in history died because they were cross, but I can't remember who it was.............

Thursday, 20 March 08
Dear Diary, Hillary Clinton is a female dog in heat. In other words, a bee-otch.
Love, Georgie :-)

Friday, 14 March 08
Dear Condi, I mean Diary. I am writing this as a war-torn-pod-puppet president without a single precedent to my actions. Granted my gene pool's always been without a life guard, and granted all those great ideas I used to have were just roaches hatching. I'm so mentally alienated at this point that a CAT scan has divulged that my brain was nothing more than a seedless watermelon. Hell, until only a week ago discovered that a veto isnt a form of athletes foot that prescribes countless doses of Frito's.. probably has something to do with my Bell's Palsy that never goes away. More on that diary as it developes.

Wednesday, 20 February 08
I am so fed up with the color white! I'm gonna paint my house sunset red. No, not Sunset Red, Black. That will really be confusing. It could become a shrine to Heavy Metal. God, I really love those New Kids on the Block, they were Heavy Metal in the same way that I am not a war criminal................

Saturday, 2 February 08
Today i walked around the white house. Why do i have to leave? I love being president for many more years. Like Teddy Roosevelt. Many Americans hate me because of the war. My wife hates me for my gas. I am having an affair with Britney Spears. No one knows. I love Britney and she is gonna have our daughter. My wife dos not know, but i plan to divorce my wife after me and Britney's baby is born. I plan to live my life with Britney and raise our daughter and her sons together. Me and Britney plan to name our daughter Katie Emma Bush. I am excited! The baby is due in two months.

Wednesday, 30 January 08
Today, dear Diary, I have decided to become a Scientologist, and to help rid the world of the likes of Tom Cruise, who is really only a false prophet for the religion.
There is only ever one real God, and I know that he speaks to me, and what I do is right.

Sunday, 13 January 08
Hello my fellow americans!
Recently I took my first trip to Iraq in my entire almost 8 years of precidency. I was shocked when I saw that none of the Iraqui citizens liked me! I mean whats not to love? I got the good looks, good hair and I live in the white house! My daughter is getting married soon and you know what I think? I think that she should get married in Iraq. Then maybe her idiot of a fiance will be killed in a road-side bombing! You know what I think of Barak Obama or whatever his name is? I think hes a drughead man whore from the hood that just got lucky cause there was a radio contest on 104.5 The Hood, for gettin to run for president and Mr. Obama was the 13th caller! Well I gotta go now and talk to my wife (shes as ugly as a llama in a tutu). Goodbye!

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