Jeer Joker: Английский юмор и ему сопутствующее

the Queen Elizabeth I

At the time when Queen Elizabeth I was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet Her Majesty, and usher her into the city with due formality.

On their return they passed through a wide brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him; which the Queen observing, called out to him, "Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink!" but the magistrate, bowing very low, modestly answered, "Nay, nay, may it please Your Majesty's horse to drink first.

Sir Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill's aphorisms:

- The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

- Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.

- History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

- Personally I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

- I like a man who grins when he fights.

- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

- He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

- A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

- Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

- It's a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled O'Sheridan, as they were formerly.

"Indeed, father," replied Sheridan, then a boy, "we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe everybody."

Mark Twain

While working as an impecunious young reporter in Virginia City, Mark Twain was walking down the street one day with a cigar box tucked under his arm when he encountered a wealthy matron of his acquiantance.
"You promised me," she reproachfully declared, "that you would give up smoking."
"Madam, this box does not contain cigars," Twain replied. "I'm just moving."

Sir Isaac Newton

Newton owned a pet dog named Diamond, which one day knocked over the candle on the scientist's desk and started a blaze that destroyed records of many years' research.

Newton, viewing the destruction, said only, "O Diamond, Diamond, thou little knowest the damage thou hast done."

Eugene O'Neill

O'Neill always strongly objected to cutting any of his plays. When director and playwright Russel Crouse asked him to shorten the script of "Ah, Wilderness!" he was very reluctant.

The following day he telephoned Crouse to tell him that he had cut fifteen minutes.

Surprised and pleased, Crouse said, "I'll be right over to get the changes."

"Oh, there aren't any changes to the text," O'Neill explained, "but you know we have been playing this thing in four acts. I've decided to cut out the third intermission."

Dorothy Parker

In the hospital Dorothy Parker was visited by her secretary, to whom she wished to dictate some letters.

Pressing the button marked NURSE, Dorothy observed, "That should assure us of a least forty-five minutes of undisturbed privacy."

George Bernard Shaw

At a performance given by an Italian string quartet, Shaw's companion remarked approvingly, "These men have been playing together for twelve years."

"Surely," said Shaw, "we have been here longer than that."

John Steinbeck

During his later years, when he was famous, Steinbeck's wife, Elaine, brought home a paperback book entitled "John Steinbeck", by Frank William Watt.

Steinbeck, who often felt he had been misinterpreted by many of the commentators on his life and work, read it with great interest.

Finished, he remarked, "This book doesn't seem to be about me, but it's pretty interesting about somebody."

Mark Twain

Mark Twain loved to brag about his hunting and fishing exploits. He once spent three weeks fishing in the Maine woods, regardless of the fact that it was the state's closed season for fishing.

Relaxing in the lounge car of the train on his return journey to New York, his catch iced down in the baggage car, he looked for someone to whom he could relate the story of his successful holiday.

The stranger to whom he began to boast of his sizable catch appeared at first unresponsive, then positively grim.

"By the way, who are you, sir?" inquired Twain airily.

"I'm the state game warden," was the unwelcome response. "Who are you?"

Twain nearly swallowed his cigar. "Well, to be perfectly truthful, warden," he said hastily, "I'm the biggest damn liar in the whole United States."

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