Jeer Joker: Английский юмор и ему сопутствующее

Как выглядеть продвинутым, пользуясь сложными и непонятными словами

Для того, чтобы перед всеми выглядеть супер-продвинутым, беспредельно гениальным, а заодно и добиться успеха, ежедневно и обязательно пользуйтесь сложными и непонятными словами. Только тогда вы вознесетесь в глазах окружающих!

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1214

Эпистолярная история о пропавшей кошке

from: Shannon Walkley
date: Monday, 21 June, 2013 9:15 a.m.
to: David Thorne
subject: Poster

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have.
She answers to the name Missy and she is black and white and about 8 months old. Missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks in advance!

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1583

Message from HRM Queen Elizabeth II to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Wisconsin, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 2529

Лимерики на русском

Как-то в Дерри в предпраздничной давке
Молли бросила зайца на лавке.
С лавки слезть он не смог,
И под ливнем промок,
И кричал всем, что Молли мерзавка.

Наш племянник по имени Джонни
Обожает лохматого пони.
Расчесал ему гриву,
Напоил его пивом
И отправился в гости наш Джонни.

Как-то в Керри бычок выпил лишку.
На забор влез он, словно мальчишка,
И идет он, качается,
А забор уж кончается,
Упадет он: не надо пить слишком!

Наша Пегги безудержно плачет:
В речку Банн уронила свой мячик.
Тише, Пегги, не плачь!
Не утонет твой мяч:
По волнам океана он скачет.

Джон О'Нил чуть не умер от страха -
Из воды он вытаскивал рака.
Ну, а тот был не прост,
Быстро спрятал свой хвост
И за руку схватил бедолагу.

(c) Анна Мурадова

Нелепые происшествия, забавные казусы, ситуативные каламбуры и другие не очень унылые истории

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 9081

Irish jokes - юмор по-ирландски

What is an Irishman? An Irishman is a man who:
- May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.
- Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.
- Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies.
- Sees things not as they are, but the way they never will be.
- Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.
- Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman.
- Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.
- Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood.
- Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.
- Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.
- Scorns money, but worships those who have it.
- Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 2828

Реальные вопросы, подслушанные в библиотеке

- Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

- Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?

- Do you have that book by Rushdie: "Satanic Nurses"?

- I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?

- Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?

- Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?

- Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?

- I need colour photos of George Washington, Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses and Socrates.

- I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate.

- I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography.

- Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff.

- I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck.

- Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

- I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.

Если не боитесь, загляните в семантическую прозекторскую

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1048

Let There Be Peace or How to Face the Trouble

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment... then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my social security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Прочувствуйте мощь английского юмора в анекдотах на русском

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1849

Italian in London

Aнекдот про итальянского дедушку, который с характерным акцентом просил две пиццы и вилку на стол и простыню на кровать, так что получались сплошные непристойности.

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1213

Hollywood Stocks - Голливудские штампы

Количество спасаемых человеческих жизней должно быть в пределах от 2 до 6 миллиардов.

Перед тем как выпустить пулю в героя, злодей обязательно несколько минут читает ему нотацию, чтобы герой мог придумать какую-нибудь пакость во избежание неминуемой смерти.

Шестизарядные пистолеты стреляют бесконечное количество раз.

Большие фешенебельные апартаменты в Нью-Йорке всегда по карману большинству людей вне зависимости от их работы.

При разминировании бомбы не надо волноваться, какой провод перерезать. Всегда будет перерезан тот, который надо.

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1263

Путеводитель для идиота

Перед визитом Джорджа Буша в Великобританию в ноябре 2003 года The Daily Mirror опубликовала "Путеводитель по Великобритании для идиота", призванный помочь американскому президенту не совершить досадных ошибок во время визита.

Путеводитель начинается с примечания, написанного на классическом American English, который британцы давным-давно не считают английским.

Great Britain - that's this itty bitty country due east of the States where folks talk kinda weird, Mr. President.

Далее следуют десять пунктов, призванных наставить Буша в высоком искусстве быть гостем королевы.

category: jeer-joker
viewed: 1068
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