Short and humorous stories about people in politics, history and arts

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Sir Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill often dined with friends, dignitaries and celebrities at Chartwell, his beautiful country home in Kent. His wit on such occasions was legendary. On one such occasion, he asked Charlie Chaplin what his next role would be.
"Jesus Christ," Chaplin explained.
Churchill's reply: "Have you cleared the rights?"




Gilbert Keith Chesterton
When the notoriously absentminded G. K. Chesterton became engaged, such was his desire to share the happy news with his mother that he went directly home and wrote her a long letter. While Mrs. Chesteron was delighted with the missive, its delivery hardly came as a surprise: she had been in the room with him when he wrote it.




William Faulkner
While hunting one day with director Howard Hawks and William Faulkner, the acclaimed actor Clark Gable asked Faulkner to enumerate the five best authors of the day.
"Ernest Hemingway, Willa Cather, Thomas Mann, John Dos Passos," - Faulkner replied, - "and myself."
"Oh," - Gable maliciously replied, - "do you write for a living?"
"Yes," - Faulkner retorted, - "and what do you do?"




Mark Twain
One night a group of Mark Twain's friends in New York, having recognized the date as that of his birth, decided to send him a suitable greeting.
Unfortunately, the globe-trotting traveler was away and no one knew where he might be reached.
After some deliberation, a letter was simply sent off with the address: "Mark Twain, God Knows Where."
Several weeks later a letter arrived from Twain: "He did."




Mark Twain
Mark Twain was visited one day by Reverend Joseph Twitchell, who invited him to come along for a walk. Twain declined, explaining that he was pressed for time.
"Well, now, you come to hear me preach every Sunday," Twitchell persisted, "and you say you believe what I read out of the Bible is true. Now, if I could prove to you, from the Bible, that you ought to come and walk with me, would you go?"
"Yes, of course," Twain declared, "but it isn't there."
"Yes it is," Twitchell replied, "for the Bible says, 'And whoso ever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him, twain.'"




Jonathan Swift
Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant, said to Jonathan Swift one day, "The air of Ireland is excellent and healthy."
"For God's sake, madam," said Swift, - falling down before her, - "don't say so in England, for if you do they will tax it."




Oscar Wilde
While dying of cerebral meningitis in a Parisian hotel room, Oscar Wilde was offered a glass of champagne.
His final toast was: "I am dying as I have lived, beyond my means."




Isaac Asimov
Once my editor Horace Gold went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious". The word is from the Latin "meretrix", meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too lazy to write a good one. This was not true, by the way. This particular story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.
Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"
Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully, "Meretricious!"
Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."




Al Capone
The U.S. Bureau of Internal Revenue astounded Capone by demanding millions of dollars in back taxes. "They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money," he objected. (They could; in 1931 Capone was imprisoned for tax evasion.)
Al Capone once said: "You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."




Charles Spencer Chaplin
The playwright Charles MacArthur had been brought to Hollywood to do a screenplay, but was finding it difficult to write visual jokes.
"What's the problem?" asked Chaplin.
"How, for example, could I make a fat lady, walking down Fifth Avenue, slip on a banana peel and still get a laugh? It's been done a million times," said MacArthur. "What's the best way to GET the laugh? Do I show first the banana peel, then the fat lady approaching, then she slips? Or do I show the fat lady first, then the banana peel, and THEN she slips?"
"Neither," said Chaplin without a moment's hesitation. "You show the fat lady approaching; then you show the banana peel; then you show the fat lady and the banana peel together; then she steps OVER the banana peel and disappears."




Sir Winston Churchill
Churchill was no admirer of Sir Stafford Cripps, minister for aircraft production in Churchill's government during World War II. After the war, Cripps rejoined the Labour party. Churchill was standing with a friend in the House of Commons when Cripps walked by; Churchill pulled a face and remarked, "There but for the grace of God, goes God."




Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Coleridge was once involved in discussion with a man who firmly believed that children should not be given formal religious instruction of any kind. They would then be free to choose their own religious faith, he reasoned, when they reached the age of discretion. Coleridge did not disagree, but later invited the man into his somewhat neglected garden.
"Do you call this a garden?" exclaimed the visitor. "There are nothing but weeds here!"
"Well, you see," explained Coleridge, "I did not wish to infringe upon the liberty of the garden in any way. I was just giving the garden a chance to express itself and to choose its own production."




Charles Dickens
When Charles Dickens moved into Tavistock House, he made sure that every detail of it was to his taste.
One of the features he installed was a hidden door to his study, made to look like part of an unbroken wall of books, complete with dummy shelves and fictitious titles.
Dickens clearly derived much amusement from the invention of titles for these volumes. They ranged from the purely facetious - Five Minutes in China, three volumes, and Heaviside's Conversations with Nobody - to straight puns, such as The Gunpowder Magazine.
In later years he added Cat's Lives (nine volumes) and The Wisdom of Our Ancestors, which consisted of volumes on ignorance, superstition, the block, the stake, the rack, dirt, and disease. The companion - The Virtues of Our Ancestors - was so narrow the title had to be printed sideways.




Benjamin Disraeli
A young lady was taken to dinner one evening by Gladstone and the following evening by Disraeli. Asked what impressions these two celebrated men had made upon her, she replied, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England."




Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Joking with Doyle during a rehearsal for one of his plays, a young three-pound-a-week actor called Charlie suggested that he and Sir Arthur should pool their incomes and take half each for the rest of their lives. Though amused by the proposal, Doyle declined for obvious reasons. "I don't think so, Mr. Chaplin," he replied.




Thomas Alva Edison
Edison had a summer residence of which he was very proud. He enjoyed showing visitors around his property, pointing out the various labor-saving devices. At one point it was necessary to pass through a turnstile in order to take the main path back to the house.
Considerable effort was needed to move the turnstile. A guest asked Edison why it was that, with all the other clever gadgets around, he had such a heavy turnstile. Edison replied, "Well, you see, everyone who pushes the turnstile around pumps eight gallons of water into the tank on my roof."




Albert Einstein
The journal Scientific American once ran a competition for the best exposition of relativity in three thousand words. A prize of several thousand dollars was at stake.
"I'm the only one in my entire circle of friends who is not entering," remarked Einstein ruefully. "I don't believe I could do it."




Robert Frost
After a dinner party Robert Frost and the other guests went out onto the veranda to watch the sunset.
"Oh, Mr. Frost, isn't it a lovely sunset?" exclaimed a young woman.
"I never discuss business after dinner," Frost replied.




Ernest Hemingway
Hemingway's son Patrick asked his father to edit a story he had written. Hemingway went through the manuscript carefully, then returned it to his son.
"But, Papa," cried Patrick in dismay, "you've only changed one word."
"If it's the right word," said Hemingway, "that's a lot."




Rudyard Kipling
A newspaper to which Kipling subscribed published by mistake an announcement of his death. Kipling wrote at once to the editor: "I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers."




William Somerset Maugham
Unable to take his Spanish royalties out of the country, Maugham decided to use the money to pay for a luxury holiday there. He chose one of the best hotels and dined extravagantly every evening, until he felt satisfied that he had spent most of the accumulated sum. He informed the manager that he would be leaving the following day, and asked for his bill. The manager beamed at his distinguished guest. "It has been an honor having you here," he replied. "You have brought much good publicity to us. Therefore, there is no bill."




Alan Alexander Milne
Christopher Milne explained how his father tactfully corrected his table maners.
Once, when I was quite little, he came up to the nursery while I was having my lunch. And while he was talking I paused between mouthfuls, resting my hands on the table, knife and fork pointing upwards. "You oughtn't really to sit like that," he said, gently.
"Why not?" I asked, surprised.
"Well...," he hunted around for a reason he could give. Because it's considered bad manners? Because you mustn't? Because... "Well," he said, looking in the direction that my fork was pointing, "suppose someboy suddenly fell through the ceiling. They might land on your fork and that would be very painful."
"I see," I said, though I didn't really.

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